She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
