and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
