Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
