she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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