I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
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Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
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Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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