i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
