I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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