I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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