her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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