I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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