it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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