Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
