2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Someone shattered a urinal.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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