I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
