Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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