Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
