he shaved USA in his pubs
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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