he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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