I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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