I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
