I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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