how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
