I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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