I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
