Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
