i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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