just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
