he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
