Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
