Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
