i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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