Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i think we sleep fucked last night...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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