True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
you made out with another girl for some wings
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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