just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
