fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
