Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
