but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
