i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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