she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Randomize
