every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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