if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
