I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
