Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
