If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
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Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
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I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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