just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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