Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
