Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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