I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
