I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
