I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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