I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
