first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
