The maid of honor just puked.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
