Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
