i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
