Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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