i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
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I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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