Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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